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  • Writer's pictureRebecca Mazzoni

Dear Mr. Chipmunk

You were no doubt displaced during the stump grinding of the gigantic oak, however, I feel that you have not adequately thought through the move to the flower box behind the porch. You see, the flower box is inside the fence. I recognize that the fence presents no barrier to you, but it’s there to stop the dogs from terrorizing the neighborhood. You’ve moved inside the fence and now they live to kill you. Seriously, they want you dead. You might have thought they were kidding when they chased you behind the rain barrel, but they weren’t. They won’t forget you are there and they won’t stop watching. Actually, thanks to you, my girls are getting along better than ever. They are even working together to kill you. That’s heartwarming in some ways, but I’d rather not have to pick up your lifeless body just so they can bond a little. Please move outside the fence or maybe to the neighbors yard. They don’t have a dog. Meanwhile, I don’t want to be an alarmist, but in the interest of full disclosure, this has happened before. See exhibit A. Then close up shop and go.

Best wishes, The Lady Who is Trying to Save Your Tiny Little Life

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

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